21 Inappropriate Calls to Make at Work

First, I must apologize for being absent from le'blog for far too long. Life happens. Things got very very busy, and now I'm back.

There are certain lines one should never cross while in public, especially when at your place of business. I have found it particularly unnerving that I have witnessed the violation of several of the below prohibited phone calls. I shall not specify which...

My partner in crime assisted me in creating this list of parties to which you should never make a call and/or topics you should never discuss from your work phone:

1. Creditors of your past due bills
2. Phone Sex Operators
3. Your Insurance or cell phone company to yell about their policies
4. A Proctologist on a call which necessitates providing your medical history or a description of the issue that prompted you to call
5. A Gynecologist on a call which necessitates providing your medical history or a description of the issue that prompted you to call
6. Your kid(s) to yell at them. LOUDLY.
7. Your Mother's shrink to have her committed
8. Drug Dealer
9. Hitman
10. Parole Officer for yourself or a relative
11. Prostitute
12. Esthetician to schedule an appointment for butthole bleaching, twat waxing and/or back waxing
13. Nurse hotline for colonoscopy complications
14. KKK related call of any kind
15. Sex offender registration
16. Nurse hotline for vasectomy complication
17. Abortion scheduling
18. Rape Crisis Hotline
19. Suicide Prevention Hotline
20. Maury or Jerry Springer
21. Sex Change Counseling

UPDATED:

22. Any call to the Nurse Hotline which requires use of the word "discharge."

List compiled by the twisted minds of myself and Highlander at Dear Twatwaffle. Copy and paste the url below (the link will not cooperate for sone reason) to visit Highlander! 

http://deartwatwaffle.blogspot.com/?m=1

Pedophilia-helpers

There are some things in life that I simply do not understand. I am neither a moron, nor a genius. ...but I like to think I'm leaning a little more towards the genius side (not in math). I don't understand math, or how exactly y=mx+b is somehow applicable to my everyday adult life (sidenote: it's NOT). I do not understand why Batdog only drops fart-bombs with nuclear potency when her ass is within range of my smeller. I also do not understand why Highlander is so damn obsessed with my mom and the main question in my noggin right now is, "Why in bloody hell would a responsible parent display a stickery dictionary of their family on their vehicle."

Now, I'm all for freedom of expression and clearly I'm in favor of freedom of speech and the press... However, I am also not a very big fan of hypocrites. 

Stupid sticker families on cars or more likely minivans are plain idiotic. What parent could possibly think it is an intelligent idea to broadcast to the general population the age, gender, and sometimes the name and activities of all your crotch spawn and the household pets. Really? I mean, I simply do not care a bit that your little princess Mindy is a cheerleader at Local-Prep Middle and your dog's name is Rufus. Your over-share on your kid's activities and personal info outright annoys me, but I am not going to use the knowledge for nefarious purposes. I am against pedophilia because I'm not a sick freak of nature.

Have parents not heard of pedophiles? Why in the hell would you give pedophiles that kind of leverage on your kid? Like Mindy couldn't be conned by the smooth talking kiddie-diddler who trys to pick her up at school and knows her dog's name, and her parent's hobbies (other bumper stickers). Little Mindy may be on honor roll, but she's still a naive little girl. People are so stupid. Let's not give the baby rapers any ammo for picking up more kids in their pedophile-vans (the white ominous vans without windows, the inside of which you instinctively know is smeared in bodily fluids and shame). 

Maybe parents should think twice before they advertise their stick figure family to the shopping pedophile sitting behind them in traffic in their creepy van. 

Fuck It, I'm Late Anyways!

Nope. Not preggers late. Arriving at a place, event, friend's house or every goddam thing ever - after the specified time kinda late. Clarification complete, let's get to my story.

So I found this incredibly interesting article the other day about the psychological reasons behind why chronically late people (AKA - Me) are late all the time, and how they can fix it. By "found" I mean the Hubs ever so considerately decided to email the article to me for my reading pleasure. HINT HINT, big FAT hint. The Hubs doesn't do subtle. 

I will admit that I'm late a lot. Okay, more than a lot, a whole lot. Okay, most of the time. Okay, ALL THE FUCKING TIME. I admit that because when I typed "a lot" instead of "all the time" I could just hear my friend Highlander reprimanding me like a nagging harpie in my head - because she knows perfectly well how often I'm late. Yes, that's right, I admit it. Happy now?  So to appease the Hubs, Highlander, and the world - I read the stinking article. 

The article actually wasn't half bad though. The way I read it, the lateness actually isn't my fault; I'm just an over-achiever who is motivated and works well in a crisis. I am an over-achiever because I try and cram events, tasks, and a ridiculous amount of other crap into every second of my day - primarily when I have somewhere to be. I also tend to work well under pressure, and like to leave things to the last minute, or ninja-procrastinate just to keep my boredom in check. I am just that awesome. Yes I am, do not mock my self-deception. 

Since this article actually exists, and apparently a book was written about the subject as well, obviously chronic-lateness and the traumatization of clocks is not unique to me. There are others out there like me who struggle every day with their inability to beat the clock, and their constant disappointment of their early-friends and early-family. Maybe I should start a support group, but a support group with liquor, and no clocks. Or just clocks like this one: 

I NEED this clock to recover from my lateness. Except on MY clock the word "whatever" would be replaced with "Fuck it." I probably also need the book, and the soul-enlightening Yahoo! article. My whole world has changed now because I read it. Actually not, but I do really abhor being late. Being late sucks, especially when you are trying really really freaking hard to be on time. Being late so often that people are actually surprised when you show up on time, now THAT is not only an art form, but truly the suckiest of suckage for the late person. I swear I'm not late because I'm rude or trying to offend you, or because I can't tell time and like to shame my first grade teacher. Everything isn't about you. 

The moral of the story is - I'm always late. Everyone knows it, even me. I don't do it on purpose, and would like to fix it. Enter, Yahoo! article of redemption, or maybe a butler. Yes, I need a butler to get me to shit on time. I'll put that on my bucket list. 

Proposal for Highschool Ed-Ja-Ma-Ca-Shun

I disagree with all these nostalgic idgits who think that high school was the 'prime of their life' and constantly whine that they are miss high school. Bullshit. High school sucked. 

I personally hated high school with a fiery passion. No, I was not the nerdy kid who got bullied or any of that nonsense. I just went to a piss-poor excuse of a high school, and the attempted brain-washing didn't really sit well with me. That's a story for another day. For the record though, I told my mother the narcissists running that place were nutbags, and she refused to believe her teenage "drama-queen." It was not until ten years later that she admitted the err of her ways and finally believed me. A little late to fix shit and send me to a decent school, but yet still so satisfying to say, "I TOLD YOU SO!" 

The reason I was reminded of my traumatic high school experience is during a terrifying conversation I came to the realization that my younger cousin was being taught little if any of the tools she would need in her adult life. In the spirit of being failed by one's high school, I have compiled a list of things that should be taught in high school that currently are not being taught...to my knowledge:

1. How to Balance a Checkbook - What do you do when you are 7 cents off? Since I was not taught what to do, as an 18 year old newly on my own I said "fuck it" and just started over with what the bank said I had in there. The bank is better at math than I am (although they likely do not have my best interests in mind). Case and point. 
2. Credit Card Etiquette - I still do not understand the intricacies of the land of credit cards and am thankful for my financially-savvy Hubs. When should one use a credit card vs. a debit card for the reason of building credit and being financially prudent? Who knows! This shit makes no sense. I once was rejected for a credit card because I paid my balance in full every month on my previous card. Seriously? WTF Mate?!?!
3. Medical Bills Dance to Their Own Beat - AKA if you fall down a flight of stairs and rack up a butt-ton of medical charges for all the broken bones, contusions and the cranial bleed - you just have to pay something every month and you won't get in trouble. If you can only afford to pay 5 bucks a month, it may take you 59 years to pay back your bill but they cannot send you to collections or charge you interest if you are paying them a "reasonable" amount on a regular basis. You may have to explain why 5 bucks is a reasonable amount for you - but it's worth it to not go to collections. What you should NOT do is pay for your absurdly overpriced medical bills with your credit card. Credit card companies DO charge interest and they require you to pay much more than 5 bucks a month if you charge up to and past your credit limit. They may even steal your soul and or left kidney as payment. They will also not hesitate to send your ass straight to collections. See number 2 to explain why I note this one.... 
4. How to Save - Let's face it, people keep saying that the Social Security system is doomed, and the youngins will not get a dime. Maybe these same yahoos who preach about the failure of Social Security should give a few pointers on the easy and proper way to save money throughout life so that you can actually support yourself during retirement. What a goddam novel concept. I feel like I have seen 17 Yahoo! articles in the last 6 months that gave better pointers on this subject than were ever broached in high school. Yahoo! taught me more than high school. How pathetic. 
5. Don't Fuck with Nerds - Nerds are the friends you want to have. As a group, and in my individual experience, they are mostly way better friends in the long run than the cheerleader or jock type (not applicable to everyone, so shut your pie hole if you don't fit that mold). They are also likely the very smart ones who will wind up being the successful adults. You don't want the uber-successful people from your high school to remember you as the asshole who ruined their fun in back in the day. 
6. College is WAY Better - The teachers try to scare you into spending all your free time studying by telling you how much harder college will be and that you should prepare. That is only partly true and the benefits and opportunities to do really fun/stupid things WAY outweigh the hard work. 
7. Mortgages, Renters Insurance and Leases - When and how to not get screwed by big ass companies and opportunistic jackasses. This is important stuff. When I rented my first apartment I very well could have agreed in writing to donating my ovaries, unicorn babies and blood for testing purposes. For all I knew and understood on that lease agreement I may have legally agreed to damn near anything. I had not a clue what it all meant. They need to teach THAT in school if any parents want a prayer of their kids moving out within a decent period of time. Most kids don't have a down payment for a house right out of high school. 
8. How to Cook a Decent Meal - Yes I know that HomeEc exists, but I don't think it is properly taught. Ramen noodles run entirely too rampant as a college student staple for high school HomeEc to have actually been successful. HomeEc FAIL. I ate so many ramen noodles throughout college and in my later bout with near poverty, that I could have participated in an experiment to see how long it took ramen noodle consumption to kill a person. I conquered it. Thanks for asking.
9. The Person in Charge May be Wrong - Or worse, the person in charge may actually be leading you down a path of doom and felonies. Pretend to follow, because they can ruin your grades or get your ass kicked out which would ruin your chance to get into your choice college - but for real do not follow their lead if they are wrong. Think for yourself. I had an amazing teacher who went against everyone else and actually pointed out when the 'powers that be' were wrong. That teacher ROCKED and was the only good example among them. In life the leaders (read: Politicians) usually are way more screwed up than you could ever imagine. 
10. Don't Buy Shit if You Don't Have the Money - This should be fairly self-explanatory, but obviously it's not. I used to be acquainted with a household of 4 adults and 3 kids, of which not ONE adult had a legit job. This household was supported by: welfare, unemployment, disability and drug-dealing. Out of the 4 adults I only respected the drug-dealer. He was the most legit of that group because at least he earned his money, albeit illegally, but I'm not splitting hairs on that one. The problem is that these same people kept buying giant flat screen TV's and smart phones. Really? You're on food stamps but you are bragging about your new iPhone? I myself fell into a different trap. I have my pride and therefore I recklessly and imprudently spent MY OWN money. High school politics are very deceptive and really encourage the whole "keeping up with the rich cheerleader" mentality. You don't need a new iPod. You want one. On that note, high school should really have a whole stinking class on the difference between needs and wants. I know way too many adults (read: 'leeches on the government's boob') who still can't tell the difference. 

(DISCLAIMER: I am not responsible for your finances and if your dumbass makes medical, financial or any decision based upon my satirical and blatantly sarcastic blog, then I am not liable. You agree to this condition by reading my blog. Ha.)

Being an Adult Sucks Big Monkey Balls

I'll just go ahead and say it, "Being an adult sucks big old monkey balls." I started thinking about this concept because of a really disturbing conversation. Talking to my momma the other day I referred to her as an "adult" in a way that indicated I was not part of that special club. Then it hit me, sonofabitch I am an adult now too! When exactly did that happen? I voiced my disbelief in this new realization and my momma straight up laughed at my reaction when I realized with ultimate disappointment that I was in fact now an adult. Dammit momma, how dare you  mock my pain! I'm missing forts, skinned knees and free rent right now and you're deriving some sort of sick twisted joy from that.  Apparently my mother decided she wanted to be a bitches (yes, plural - I am very offended).


In the spirit of my horrific realization that I can never join the "Lost Boys" because I grew up, here are some things that you will never catch any respectable adult doing:


 1. Being Roommates with your Mom - Not "Your Mom" like the jokes Highlander consistently tells at my Mom's expense... but living with one's own actual mom...On purpose, with some semblance of permanence intended and of one's own free will. For example, this rule does not apply to adults who shack up with their mom temporarily while their pimped out dream house is being built. It also does not apply to those unfortunate enough to find themselves homeless and in dire need due to some fucked up circumstances. This DOES apply to Cornelius Ulysses MamasBoy who creepily keeps to himself and holds teenage-type employment. Cornelius also likes to watch japanimation dungeon porn in mommy's basement and leech off her pension check until he can inherit the house legit or by maternal murder-ness. That guy.


 2. Pop Icon obsession - when we were 12 it was cute and hip that my bedroom walls were plastered floor to ceiling in NSync posters and Justin Timberlake paraphernalia. I was a normal teenage girl and JT was hot even with his ramen-noodle haircut. For the dudes I'm assuming at 12 that their walls were covered with posters of scantily-clad swimsuit models that made their mothers cringe - and that was ok and accepted. If I had my bedroom covered in posters of pop icons now, I would likely be considered a bit stalkerish, and people may get concerned with such an obsession. Dudes this applies to you as well with the swimsuited chicas. At my age it would no longer be cute, but more like a shrine created by a serial killer. I am no serial killer - but that would be the vibe given off if I still had NSync posters as wallpaper.


 3. Tantrums a la Public Scene - It may not have been "okay" as a child to throw an all out, kicking, arms flailing, screaming on the floor type tantrum at the local Wal-Mart. However, people expected that it was a possibility for bratty young children who didn't get their way and would write it off. Try and pull that shit at work when your proposal does not get the approval you wanted... You may get fired. Or try collapsing to the floor while kicking and screaming like you are on fire in front of your friends when they decided against going to your choice tourist attraction on a trip (although your plans were shotty and your logic non-existent). I would totally laugh at anyone who did this, and I have. I laughed in the face of the tantrumy 30 year old who threw actual tantrumS on our trip. We are no longer friends. Big. Ass. Baby.


 4. Naps - This one I totally disagree with because it's just plain nonsensical. So society tells me that naps are cool for kindergarteners who have no responsibility and a stress-level equivalent to fort-malfunction.... BUT naps are somehow not okay for adults with relationships, mortgages, jobs and shit? What the bloody hell? Naps during the workday would increase productivity - tell your bosses and maybe word will spread. End of story.

I Want Nothing to do with your "Class"

To clarify, NO I don't mean classes of people. I have absolutely no interest in the uneducated, ignorant nonsense of racist thoughts and anything similar. The classes I have beef with are these absurd class action settlements people keep including me in against my wishes. 

Would these people please stop being presumptuous enough to believe that I would want to be associated with their fucking petty class action settlements? Is that too much to ask? No, I do not want to fill out a metric butt-ton of paperwork so I can potentially get a settlement of up to a measly $10. No, I absolutely do not care whether or not a facebook status of mine was used for a "sponsored story." I also do not think that if it was, that I should be entitled to damages. Who cares? It's a facebook status. No one maimed BatDog. Facebook didn't come to my home and personally assault me or cause me emotional distress. I am also not a lazy, entitled greedy little princess. I work for my money, and I'm not interested in suing a giant company for a dumb reason so that I can cash in on it. Especially for the pennies I would get for these types of lawsuits. Now if a big company actually committed some awful crime that caused me immense suffering, loss of MY hard-earned cash, and/or hurt my family/friends in some way - then sign me up. I'll fight to the death against them for that shit. Then I'd take my millions and spend tons of it in whatever way would cause that particular company the very worst publicity possible. I'm vindictive like that. 

However, that is not the case. These are all petty lawsuits. No one was truly wronged, and people are just greedy assholes. The stupid facebook class action isn't the only one I received lately either. Class action lawsuits seem to be attracted to me recently. It's coming out of the damn woodwork to annoy me. I could not possibly care less if a phone company charged me a potentially illegal surcharge of 5 cents a month, 10 years ago. I don't want the $2.75. I don't care. It is not worth the paperwork or the stupidity of it all.

Who are these people that are so very lazy, entitled and bored that they feel the need to sit on their ass all day and think up shit that could potentially be blown out of proportion and into a lawsuit against some humongous company with loads of money who supposedly "wronged" them? They are pains in my ass, that's who they are. Because these same people take their stupid, petty lawsuits to a whole new level of idiocy by making them class action lawsuits (so they can get their lazy grubby fingers on more money that they did not earn). When they make it a class action lawsuit, then I get notices in the mail with enough legal jargon to make my eyes bleed. Because of these jack-holes I have to read this crap. I don't want to read more legal jargon than necessary, which I why I long ago abandoned my childhood dream of becoming a lawyer. Because of them I am being subjected to more junk mail, and junk mail with legal jargon no less. 

The greedy-princesses subjected me to emotional distress from reading legalities about their whiny-baby problems which they involved me in. Don't put my name on that crap. If it wouldn't make me just as petty and stupid as them, I would sue them for making me read the piles of junk mail I have received, which made my brain ache and my eyes bleed. If you are one of those people, please know that we are no longer friends. 

Beard R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

 I was reminded of my new favorite coined term today, and had to share with the Internets because it should totally become a thing - like the damn mustache craze. I mustache you a question - where the F did the 'stache thing start?

For background-sake I must remind you that I have wicked awesome friends. The Hubs and I collectively have additional friends who join in our joint shenanigans, profane humor and the more than occasional adult-beverage.  I am forever grateful that The Hubs has some guy friends to whom I can pawn off all discussions of: football, Bambi-catching, fishing, hockey, vehicular repair and/or any sport other than my beloved baseball. 

Back to my story, and the new "it-phrase" I shall be promoting. The the convo prompting the coining of this new term occurred at some point while Bambi's dad was still fair game and I was a Hunting Widow turning to Pinterest for love. The Hubs had some friends over after completing the daily outdoorsy shit. I know the timeline because it also happened to be "No Shave November." No Shave November is a hallowed holiday in some of our friend-circles, and must be respected. The Duck Dynasty guys seem to be rockin' the beards, so why not my man? And his buddies? And all dudes or beard-happy ladies? The Hubs looks as sexy-pants with a beard as he does beardless, so I'm a big promoter of "No Shave November."

While the Hubs had friends over I was channeling June Cleaver, but with a twist of profanity and a koozied beer. My version of June Cleaver translates to me being a decent, and not fully-drunken hostess while guests are in our home. To this end I was chatting with the Hubs and our guests. Every dude in my house had a mug full of beard-tastic glory, and therefore Duck Dynasty and the glory of the beard became a topic of conversation. One of our guests had a beard that rivaled The Duck Commander - I shall dub this friend "BeardMaster." BeardMaster was disappointed in his wifey's apparent disapproval of what he considers his crowning-glory....the beard. The conversation went a bit like this (poetic license only slightly abused):

BeardMaster: "I don't think the wife is a big fan of my beard."

Miffy: "Really? How can she not? I LOVE that the Hubs grew a beard."

BeardMaster: "She may dislike the scratchy-face for kissing purposes. I'm experiencing 'kiss-neglect' as we speak."

Miffy: "There is no excuse for such blatant beard-bigotry. I applaud the beard-movement. My Hubs looks sexy with a beard and it makes me want to jump him even more often."

BeardMaster: "Seriously?"

The Hubs: "She's serious, and her love of my beard is totally working out for me right now! Although, Miffy may be a bit too fond of my beard. I have to hold her off with a stick to get any work done around here, so I can satiate my OCD. [Hubs commences sarcastic laughter]"

Miffy: "You like it, so hush, but seriously...what woman in her right mind doesn't find a man with a beard sexy as all holy hell? WTF? You should have to turn down lovin' from the wifey during 'No Shave November'"

BeardMaster: "Miffy, you have some serious BEARD RESPECT."

The Hubs: "Miffy, it takes a lot of work to maintain these sexy-man-beards so I'm actually doing you a favor. Therefore you owe me like a million favors in return. One favor for every sexy bit of facial hair I have to groom."

Miffy: "Hubs, you are not allowed to use the almighty beard for any additional advantages other than some good lovin'"

BeardMaster: "Miffy can you chat with the wife? She needs to gain some more Beard Respect and maybe you can persuade her."

BEARD RESPECT should go viral and/or become a "thing" like the godforsaken mustache jazz. It is just bizarre enough to catch on, and it is the opposite of "fetch" so I think we can pull together and make it happen. If not, I maintain that "Beard Respect" should be a thing and we could all stand to respect the beard a bit more. Duck Dynasty would approve.

DISCLAIMER: I am not a graphic designer, nor do I have neat graphic design tools on my home PC. Forgive my terrible graphic representation of "Beard Respect."

MegaTron and Optimus Prime Could Totally be BFF's

Back when Dane Cook was still funny, may his hilarity rest in peace (makes sign of the cross like the good christian Italian I am), he did a bit about naming all of his kids after Transformers. This particular bit prompted the creation of a pact between myself and my good friend Highlander to bastardize the idea and take it to a whole new level. 

Highlander and I decided that we would BOTH name our kids after competing Transformers. We would do this because we are batshit crazy or quite possibly in order to prompt either fantastical fights or majestic treaties. We would each have only little Decepticon or little Autobot crotch-spawn. Highlander will therefore be naming all her crotch-spawn after Decepticons, whereas I will name all of mine after Autobots. 

There is the obvious issue of our kids being subject to the horrific suffering of the inability to find a keychain with their name on it, but there's always the Transformer items available! My primary concern with this plan is maybe if we name our children in this fashion they will be forever destined to be mortal enemies, and potentially battle to the death in our front yard by turning themselves into bitchin' cars and shit. I would really like my kids to have a wonderfully-crazy friend like Highlander, so I'm debating the pros and cons. Also, I simply cannot have my six year old morphing into a sweet mustang when all I have is a very dirty hand-me-down SUV. That's bullshit. 

If I were so inclined to actually come through on our ill-advised pact and potentially subject my children to years of therapy - I totally have a plan in place so I can be prepared. Also, to appease the parents I would give the kiddos Christian middle names so they can shut the hell up about it already. 

My Favorite Autobot Names for My Potential Future Kids:

1. Optimus Prime (This name would clearly be reserved for my firstborn son)
2. Jazz (Maybe she will be into music and shit)
3. Bumblebee (I believe this will be my quiet child who is so VERY ADD that they cannot help but fly around from activity to activity).
4. Prima (I'm a little iffy on this one because my automatic reaction to this name is to turn it into "Prima-Donna", and I don't want a whiny little princess running around mucking up my gene pool)
5. Alpha Prime (This would be reserved for my firstborn daughter just to trip up the whole "alpha-male" crap that certain dudes always throw around. My daughter will be the Alpha-Chick and those cocky macho morons who think they are "Alpha-Males" can just ruminate on that while they lift their weights and chug their protein drinks).
6. Ironhide (This child shall have nerves of steel and will not succumb to any bullies. They will be the defender of my other crotch-spawn).
7. Inferno (I think maybe this kid should be adopted by Highlander, who is much more of a pyro than myself - maybe she will be able to deal with this little fiery handful).
8. Siren (I feel like I may be dooming this kid to a life of manipulating men named Ulysses. Good thing that name isn't ultra popular).
9. Blurr (This kid better get into the damn Olympics as a runner. It would be my crowning glory if Blurr could run so fast he/she beats all standing records).

The Only Decepticon Names I Remember that Highlander Chose (because my dumb ass lost the list - Highlander can feel free to correct me via comment):

1. Megatron
2. Starscream
3. Ramjet
4. Rampage (added by me because Highlander is destined to have a child to fit this name)

UPDATE: Highlander chose to answer my blog duel in her gloriously irreverent and self-declared "...atheist pirate hooker sailor Marine in a poop and incendiary firefight..." type humor. I am going to take the liberty of being the judge, the jury and the 1950's husband - I declare Highlander to be the uncontested winner of this duel. I must surrender. The sole reason for my surrender is her observation of an absolutely critical point which I failed to notice or clarify. Under no circumstances will I ever even consider popping nine kids out my no-no-zone. If the Hubs saw this post sans-clarification he would have hit the roof with the propulsion of steam shooting violently out every facial orifice.  To clear up any misunderstandings, I will settle on having two kiddos - a boy and a girl. And they shall be called Optimus-Prime MIchael (the fightin' angel) and Alpha-Prime Mary (cuz we all know that will appease my mother). To that end, I tip my hat to Highlander and her future crotch-spawn, Megatron Caliber.

My Preggo-Pants Friend Scarred Me for Life

There are few things in the universe that terrify me more than the idea of getting knocked up. The whole idea makes my uterus contemplate running away screaming and flailing ovaries to and fro. 

I have no objections to the idea of being a mother. I have always wanted to have kiddos. Also, I've got the Hubs, who would be an amazing father and would make me some heart-meltingly adorable babies. My fear consists solely of the nine month gestation period where my body would be hosting an adorable little parasite. Yes, it would be worth it... blah, blah, blah. I couldn't agree more. The problem is that some of my momma friends, specifically my dear friend Preggo-Pants, shared entirely too many of the "joys" of pregnancy in vivid detail. They call me their friend yet these bitches have scarred me for life! They are MY BITCHES so that was meant in the most loving of ways. 

I do have one friend who had a glorious pregnancy during which she felt even more amazing than she did sans-fetus. However, this particular friend is a much nicer person than I am and karma is a fickle little hussie... She is the friend who has absolutely no enemies because she's so kind, friendly and generally wonderful to everyone. Similarly, I am a nice person in general, I am a softie on certain things, and I do have a big heart. However as her opposite, I am also sarcastic, a TAD bitchy, and speak my mind - opinions be damned. I don't have any true enemies, but I have people who dislike my witty sarcasm and/or dislike hearing the truth. I also don't really care if those people dislike me - they can suck it. This leads me to believe that when the time comes for my uterus to be used as a rental unit, that karma will break out her bitchy side and let all hell break loose upon my unsuspecting body. 

Since karma is a bitch, and so am I...there are certain unfortunate baby-hosting effects that I can't help but believe will happen to me. My current third greatest fear entails some or all of the following things happening to me while renting out my womb:

1. Becoming a "House" instead of a Rental - I took the liberty of combining two completely separate metaphors here. No, I am not scared that I will somehow become impregnated with a squatter who will stay and make my uterus a permanent home. I have a legitimate fear that while my uterus is being used as a rental, my body may become the SIZE OF A FREAKING HOUSE despite my deliberate exercise and healthy eating habits. I have just spent the past year working my ass off on Weight Watchers and turning my lifestyle around to lose 40 pounds. I have about 15 more to lose before I reach my goal weight. The absolute LAST thing I want to do at this point is gain a butt-load of unnecessary weight while pregnant. I am determined to be one of those pregnant women who eats perfectly healthy and exercises (I'm going to need a Jillian Michaels or someone in my ear to accomplish this I think). However, I have heard of women who gain absurd amounts of weight even though they eat right and exercise, because apparently karma fucking hates them. Clearly. I'll be mega-pissed if I worked this hard to lose weight only to get fatty-mcfatterson again against my will. 
2. Wolverine Scars - Isn't it enough that I already own enough stretch marks to span the Great Wall of China due to my previous stint of being a fat-ass? Is it really necessary for me to develop the kind that look like evidence of my abs having an unfriendly run-in with Wolverine? I liked X-Men, but I certainly do not want to look like I fought one. Coincidentally, I also get the shiny kind of stretch marks that look iridescent, so they would look all the more like the remnants of a battle with a fictional superhero. When I get knocked up I expect that each of my true girlfriends will bring me a giant tub of cocoa butter as a "welcome to pregnancy" gift. I intend to bathe in the stuff.
3. Giggle-Tinkle - I had a friend who during the majority of her pregnancy, would pee herself a little bit almost every time she laughed. Even sometimes randomly without laughing as well. It reached a point that we couldn't even joke about things around her for fear of a change in panties being necessitated. That is horrifying! I should not have to change diapers BEFORE I have a baby - especially not my own. Then god-forbid that nonsense continues to happen after pregnancy - I have heard of that happening with some ladies I know as well. F that game. I do not want to be wearing diapers after my kid finally gets potty-trained or takes the SAT. I don't want to wear them at all actually - tampons are my limit in that realm - and pads are only allowed in my life due to dire necessity. 
4. Morning Sickness - If "Morning Sickness" were actually confined to the wee hours of the morning, which I despise anyway, I would not mind as much. Mornings already make me want to gag at the thought, so I'm not sure it would be a huge transition on my part. Alas, some heinous bitch named it "morning sickness" in an effort to deceive all the young mothers-to-be. I'm sure she meant well, and didn't want to scare the young ladies by informing them that "morning sickness" can in reality last the entire first trimester, with no restrictions on time of day. However, I think it was dirty, dirty trickery on her part because I cannot possibly plan adequately around the fact that I may or may not get all vomity at any random point during the day or night. What if I projectile vomit during a meeting at which I am presenting, and it lands on my boss's new suit? Or while driving my car down the interstate (in this case I would say "Damn the cost, and it is getting professionally cleaned. I will tip like a high-roller"). What if I am one of those poor souls who can't keep anything down at all? Before I announce my bun in the oven people may start to accuse me of being bulimic. Also, I really, really truly do not want to put my head in a public toilet to blow chunks. If the morning sickness isn't relegated to the morning then I have no way of ensuring that when the puke starts bubbling up, that I will have home field advantage. Public toilets may be the most disgustingly necessary location I have ever had to visit. I have no desire to kneel on the floor of one and pay homage to a continually abused and poorly maintained shitter. I have seen what lands on those floors (see my previous post "Like Peeing in a Janky Gas Station" to check out my experience with THAT). Maybe I can get some of those handy barf bags from airplanes?  
5. Amazon Woman Syndrome - I am not quite as worried about this one because I have a solid and viable plan to combat it. However, it bears mentioning since I have heard entirely too many stories from ladies who fell victim to this very fuzzy syndrome. Proper grooming dictates that ladies' legs not resemble those of a grizzly bear. There are also rules and sanitary reasons for keeping one's nether-regions properly groomed via razor, waxing and the like. When a small infant resides in your uterus and is nearing the end of their lease term, sometimes it becomes logistically impossible to complete any grooming below your baby bump. The victims of Amazon Woman Syndrome simply accept the predicament and allow both their legs and their hoo-haas to become so overgrown that weed-whackers and hatchets will be required to retrieve the child during labor. Just the idea of that situation makes me cringe, so before the time comes where I can no longer groom myself, I will be locating a salon with waxing services. The pain of waxing can just be sort of a "prep" on a much smaller scale for the upcoming labor pains. 
6. Episiotomy and/or Rippage - As if pushing a human being out of your hoo-haa (with what I have heard is indescribable pain) isn't bad enough - there's also the possibility that your no-no-zone simply cannot stretch enough to accommodate your baby's giant head. Hoo-haa's aren't made of whatever the hell Stretch Armstrong was made of so sometimes this happens. The result is either forced rippage of your special parts by the child, OR in the case of several of my lady friends, the doctor does a preemptive strike against ripping by snipping two holes into one. That's right, the baby-exit then merges with your poo-poo-hole. Don't get too worked up, they stitch you make all nice and normal - but I hear it's a rather unpleasant healing process... Where do I sign up for a C-section?

Maybe I'll get lucky, and all the good I've done in my life will be taken into account by the Lord and He will keep me from experiencing the 6 nightmares of pregnancy that my wonderful momma-friends brought to my attention. I really do want kiddos someday so I hope and pray that I can breeze through a pregnancy without those 6 particular issues. I can live with cravings, crazy mood-swings, gaining a healthy amount of weight and even peeing every 10 minutes (provided I can make it to the toilet). 

My uterus is offended by your question

Due to an overwhelming amount of recent inquiries from concerned, albeit nosy, friends and relatives (mostly my Mama) I am going to explain my presently unfruitful uterus. No, I do not owe anyone an explanation on the choices the Hubs and I make regarding what Highlander calls "crotch-spawn." And as far as I know my baby-maker is fully-functional. However, it seems that I have recently become ancient as quite a few of my friends are now having kids on purpose. Because I am not dutifully required to 'splain myself directly or at all - I shall vent my miffing to the Internets rather than to anyone's nosy-face. 

Before I 'splain any further let me set a few ground rules:

1. I absolutely love babies and children in general.
2. I also love returning them to their parents so I can spend a quiet evening with the Hubs, who does not wake up 17 times a night and uses the big-boy potty.
3. Babies are a blessing from God (yes I am Christian) and I fully believe it when I'm told they are "worth it."
4. The Hubs and I will decide when the right time for baby-making is based upon a list of factors and the resulting pros/cons.
5. Practice makes perfect. If I want a perfect baby we first have to practice sufficiently.
6. Number 1 on my Con-list is the fact that I would have to be preggers in order to get crotch-spawn - but that is a story for another day.

I am the first of my Mama's progeny, and also the first to marry. Since I have been married for some time now, it is apparently expected of me to begin reproducing. In the perfect little world of some, I should have become a baby-factory the second I said "I Do." I signed up to have mini-versions of the Hubs running around all OCD-like, but I never agreed to any such deadline. Although I would absolutely LOVE to have kiddos, I detest the incessant prying into such a personal decision. The timing for such a decision is complicated and ultimately between the Hubs and I, sans input from the peanut gallery. My eggs are nowhere near their expiration date so no need for rushing. Well, it just so happens that my Mama DESPERATELY wants to be a grandma and I am currently her best bet. She has literally put all her grandbaby-hoping eggs in my uterus-basket. 

I would also like to address the common misconception my other friends and relatives seem to have. There is no rule that if several of us pop out babies, then the rest shall follow suit. I do not recall joining in any pregnancy-pact. Why do people act as if it's polite to ask "So when are you two going to have a baby?" That question should be as taboo as "When are you due" is when the asker isn't damn certain the askee has a bun in the oven. I have just hit the point where I want to start making up equally rude and/or fictitious answers to cause squirming by whoever asks me that question. For instance, 

Nosy-Pants: "So when are you and the Hubs going to have a little one?"

Me: "NEVER. I have lost all faith in humanity and simply cannot bring a child into this world." 

or

Mama: "When are you going to make me a Grandma?"

Me: "When you sign a contract in blood stating you will provide free child-care until the little hellion gets into kindergarten." (I actually said something similar to my Mama and surprisingly she actually loved the idea - I really need to get her to sign something on that....)

or 

Mom of a Football Team: "Oh Dearie how soon are you going to have babies? What are you waiting for?!?!"
Me: "Are you capable of laughing without peeing a little bit anymore?"

or

Peanut-Gallery Lady: "When are you going to have kids?"

Me: "The voices told me I can only attempt to produce the prophesied offspring during the third lunar eclipse, after the second full moon, in the year after my Husband completes the atonement sacrifice. So I'm not sure yet really."

Random Co-worker: "So when are you two planning on a baby?"

Me: [Commence crying uncontrollably until I have rivers of mascara down my face and snot running out my nose - then just walk away without responding].

But in all seriousness, what if there was something wrong with my baby-maker and I could not have kiddos like I want to? That, my friends is why it is epic-ly rude to ask someone when they are going to have kids. You never know their situation, plus it's none of your damn business! Just congratulate me and sympathize (because I'll be preggers) with me when I do turn up knocked-up and until then just stay in suspense like a polite person. 

BatDog is an Alcoholic

I must first explain that I like to call my puppy "BatDog" since I believe it fits her personality. Her insane plethora of constant energy causes her every movement to be very bouncy - as if she was attempting to fly when she jumps around like a maniac. Plus she never walks anywhere, she prances and bounces to every destination - again failing to fly. 

Well, BatDog went to the Vet today and has been returned to us in a state that can only be likened to "drunk." It was quite amusing at first. Drunken BatDog is a sight to be seen. If she could talk she would have been asking me to drive her drunk-ass to White Castle and then hold her paws so she could do a keg-stand. The Vet drugged her up REAL GOOD to trick her into compliance. She normally loves the Vet, because she loves everyone who gives her that much attention... but today was different. Today she was given the good drugs because she got the procedure to make her forever baby-free. BatDog just lost her mama-card and got spayed, per our request. Thank the Lord, because we have white carpets and BatDog in heat does not mix with white carpets well. As darling as it would be to have teeny-tiny little batdogs running around, I am not prepared to deal with the mess. We got a dog because we are not ready for kiddos, thank you very much.

Side story: Our home has a basement. The stairs leading to the basement are surrounded by wooden spindles of some sort and not a full-fledged wall. The Hubs, due to his love and concern for BatDog, had placed her dog bed right next to said spindles after he fed her dinner. He wanted to allow her to rest while in close proximity to her Supreme Master (BatDog does not listen to me worth shit, only to the Hubs - but I still maintain she loves me more because I give her more cuddles). End Side Story.

I told you the side story so I could tell you this story: 
I was previously thinking "BatDog needs to share the good drugs." I now take back that sentiment because not even five minutes after the thought crossed my mind she puked her damn guts out. To my never-ending good fortune she just so happened to puke towards the spindles.... PUKE EVERYWHERE. There was vomit on the dog bed. Vomit creeped up underneath the dog bed somehow. Vomit landed on the floor between the spindles and also managed to sail over the edge in a desperate attempt to cover more ground. Chunky vomit dripped eight feet down the wall (nearest to the bottom of the stairs, for greatest coverage) and the remainder landed in a giant pile on the third to last step. Now I'm a relatively normal person and therefore not a huge fan of cleaning up vomit so.... SOLUTION: Wet/Dry Vac. Those things are an absolutely amazing invention, as is my husband who cleaned up most of the vomit while I comforted my poor, sick BatDog. In my defense I did clean off and put the dog bed through the washer and dryer..... so I didn't actually do NOTHING to help. 

Poor BatDog apparently does not handle the "good meds" too well. I'm honestly quite shocked at her reaction actually, since BatDog will not only drink beer, but outright steals it as well. I've seen her knock a full beer right out of my friend's hand so she could lick up the remains. One cannot leave their beer anywhere within her reach because she will find it, knock it over, and drink it all. Every. Stinking. Drop. During a bonfire with friends she pulled her brewskie-ganking on at least three unsuspecting victims. BatDog is underage, so clearly this is not acceptable. She seems to have an alcohol problem. Right now, as a pet my favorite little BatDog, she is passed out in a drug-induced stupor. Do you think they would accept BatDog at AA?

The "Bag-Lady Wedding Emergency Pack"

Hey there Internets, long time no see! Let’s just say that I have been ultra-busy lately and haven’t posted on my blog like a good little girl. If I’m going to be honest with you all I would also say that I have been a GIANT SLACKER about it and completely forgot. Mea culpa. Christmas time (my very FAVORITE time of the year) was superbly busy and completely wonderful, in case you were wondering. Nothing miffed me enough to have to blog about it, in addition to bitching to/at the Hubs. 

Also, during my little hiatus I was a bridesmaid in a wedding. The wedding turned out amazing. It was beautiful and everything a bride could ever want. However, there were times when unexpected issues or needs came up that people were not prepared for – EXCEPT FOR ME! I was super-mega-ultra-bag lady type prepared, and numerous people thanked me for it (after mocking me and dubbing me the “Bag-Lady”). Well the joke’s on you FOOLS because if I hadn't gone all "Bag-Lady" then a bridesmaid’s dress would have been worn with the hem sagging, another may have fainted from lack of nutrition, the bride’s bustle would never have recovered, and a lot of people would have had headaches, rank breath and fallen updos. As a side-note, I am the "Bag-Lady" type in every facet of my life. I would CONQUER ALL in that Bridal Shower game where you check off the items from the list that are in your purse. How come no one ever challenges me to that game???? EVERYTHING is in my purse and/or car, always. A "Bag-Lady" is the grown-up version of a Boy Scout. I have been like this since I was little apparently, as I was called a "little bag lady" since the age of 2. In all fairness, I did bring several bags of necessities (dolls, and candy and such) with me every single time I went to the babysitters.... Ahhhh memories. Back to the topic at hand....

I have been in quite a few weddings in my day, and there are always things that are forgotten. Well, I despise not being prepared and I don’t care if that only solidifies the moniker of "Bag-Lady". I shall gladly dub myself that if it means I am constantly prepared for whatever comes my way – boy scout style with some tweaks. Since I like to be prepared I thought that I should create a Wedding Day Emergency Pack. But I could not just create any old one – it simply had to be the most comprehensive one EVER. I’m an over-achiever like that. In light of how helpful my “Bag-Lady Wedding Day Emergency Pack” was during the last wedding I participated in, I thought I would share my list of contents with the wide world of the Internets just in case someone else wants to be “bag-lady” prepared.

First of all, the amount of items in “Bag-Lady Wedding Day Emergency Pack” requires an actual full-fledged backpack to contain them without damaging your spine. Trust me, I tried several different bags and finally settled on my backpack from school with the padded shoulder straps. My spine stands by that decision. If you want to be prepared for a wedding “Bag-Lady” style you have got to be willing to carry a moderately heavy backpack all day. Now, I didn't actually carry it all day – I just kept it near me and accessible, then carried it from location to location, but you get my drift. It also costs a decent amount to buy all these items if you don’t already have most of them. A lot of mine I already had (I hoard samples and travel sizes), or went the cheap route and transferred some of my normal size version into a travel-size container. I bought a decent amount of travel-size items as well, either because I was out at home, or because it was easier at the time. Either way, I personally ended up spending around 50-70 bucks. Keep in mind that I bought normal size versions of a lot of things that I simply needed around the house and used SOME of it to put in the “Bag-Lady Wedding Day Emergency Pack” (i.e. Q-Tips and Ibuprofen). So you may spend more or less depending on what you keep on hand.

The wedding for which I originally made this list was a winter wedding, sleet and all, so some items will only be applicable to weddings held in similar weather. I have included pictures of some of the items – especially my favorite new find, the iGo Travel Case for pills and smaller items. However, I also added other items to the list which I brought to my own summer wedding. Pick and choose what to include in your own “Bag-Lady Wedding Day Emergency Pack” based upon the situation. Use your noggin. This particular Wedding Day Emergency Pack is not intended to be made into a cute Pinterest-esque gift for the Bride-to-be at her Bridal Shower (although those are super adorable). There are several reasons for this: 1. There is way too much stuff in the BLWDEP and the Bride should not be responsible for it or for carrying it, 2. There is SO much stuff so that you can be prepared FOR the Bride, and other wedding party people (for the Bride’s sanity), and 3. You can try and make it pretty and cute (I tried and failed miserably) but that will simply make it less functional – for my “Bag-Lady Wedding Day Emergency Pack” I’m going for function and preparedness not cuteness. The Bride will thank you. If you want cute, you may want to look elsewhere – you won’t be as prepared, but it will be pretty!  

Here are the extensive and comprehensive (over 100 items) contents of my “Bag-Lady Wedding Day Emergency Pack” (plus items I learned SHOULD have been in it - you get the opportunity to learn from my original stupidity):

ITEM/BECAUSE WHY?/COMMENT or TIPS

MISC

• Toothpicks 
• A Groomsman with leftover salad in his teeth from dinner 
• Twist ties 
• Sometimes things need to be twisted together 
• Stolen from bread bags in my kitchen
• Lighter 
• To build a fire a cook your own dinner, or light a cigarette or any other fire needs 
• Bic. Other brands pale in comparison.
• Hot Hands/Hot feet Warmers 
• You are wearing a knee-length bridesmaid dress and it's 10 degress outside 
• Extra gloves 
• If it's cold enough to just leave your beer outside sans cooler, then you want something to prevent frostbite on fingertips 
• There are some under 2 bucks at Walmart and do the trick
• Camera 
• One must capture the special moments, and the drunken moments where your sister dances like she never has before 
• If you are short on space and your phone takes good pictures, just bring that. Also, do NOT forget the SD card for your camera like I did. Also, the onboard memory of digital cameras fills up rather quick with the high quality pictures they take these days.
• A bunch of small cosmetic bags to separate items into groups so you can find them when needed  
• Unless you like searching 17 hours for something you need in your giant backpack, this is a must 
• I found some cheap ones in the dollar section at Target 3 bucks for two, one large and one small.
• iGo Just in Case Travel Case 
• Because 17 full-size pill bottles take up entirely too much space for my efficient self 
• Found at Walmart in the travel size section. These are now being used in my purse and came in SO handy to put all the meds and small items in: like safety pins and qtips.
• Umbrella 
• Wet stuff falls out of the sky and ruins makeup and dresses 
• preferably the kind that folds to the size of your left thumb… or just a small one for space saving reasons
• Phone charger (car and outlet) 
• Phones do not live forever, and what if one of the groomsmen is missing and the party bus is leaving - someone has to call him 
• Nowadays all phones have the same charger connection (if they are newish) EXCEPT for iPhones because Apple just has to be different. You may want to bring a car and outlet charger with a USB connection port, and a charging cord for both iPhone and those with a micro USB charging port.
• Phone charging battery pack (if you happen to own one, I am lucky enough that I do) 
• There are not outlets or car charging ports available all the time 
• I got mine from the AT&T store and it works fantastic when you have no access to an outlet or car port. Just remember to charge it up beforehand.
• Black Sharpie  
• shoe scuffs and/or a multitude of other uses – like coloring in my white bra that kept popping out from my black dress and would not be tamed by the fashion tape or safety pins 
• Buy a small one, a sharpie mini.
• Travel size bottles and spray bottles 
• For transferring small amounts of body spray or lotion from your large bottles so you don't have to spend more to buy travel sizes. 
• Trust me, it is way cheaper. I have seen packs of these at Walmart in the travel size section for under 2 bucks.
• Mini flashlight 
• You just never know if the lights are going to go out in the hotel or if you are going to misplace your earring during the dimly lit reception and have to crawl around on the floor with a flashlight to find it. 
• I used an LED one the width of a pen and it was about 3 inches long. This I got at Lowe's.
• Cigarettes 
•  if you or the bride/groom smoke – no need to add to today’s stress! 
• Pick your poison, or someone else's…. Not to encourage such a bad habit, but a wedding day is not the time to quit.
• List of phone numbers for all wedding party, or just enter in your cell phone beforehand 
• Someone has to know how to contact the missing groomsman 
• You may want to get this from the Bride well before the wedding - you know when she isn't stressed to the max yet….
• Shoe (full sole) insoles 
• You have to walk all around creation to take the perfect photo, and stiletto heels are definitely not the proper footwear for that adventure 
• Dr. Scholls or Walgreens brand for women's heels - make sure they are the "no show" kind. 
• Heel insoles 
• Sometimes one of the bridesmaid's shoes are a bit too big and that is realized the morning of 
• I got mine on clearance from Target for super cheap. You don't usually see those in clearance though. So if you can't find them, go with the generic version from Walgreens they are awesome.
• Eye glass cleaner 
• if there are tears and sleet and someone wearing glasses, you need this 
• They have travel kits of these and Walmart and/or Target.
• Eye glass repair kit 
• glasses break and some people need those babies to see 
• They have travel kits of these and Walmart and/or Target.
• Flats and/or flip flops 
• The insoles are not sufficient to calm to anger your feet are expressing to you, and you have arrived at the reception so all formal pictures are over and the bride no longer cares what footwear you are rockin' 
• They have those cute little flats in a bag from Dr. Scholls or you can just bring flip flops if it is summer. 
• Scotch Tape 
• It is useful, trust me. I do not remember why, but I used it repeatedly for really random reasons 
• Just buy the name brand, the cheap version just plain sucks.
• AA and AAA batteries 
• Cameras and personal fans sometimes die when you really can't afford for them to 
• Or whatever size batteries your electronics call for….
• Small personal battery operated fan (potentially one that mists as well for a really hot summer wedding) 
• Sometimes the bride and groom decide to marry on a day that makes one sweat like a whore in church which hopefully is not literally the case at anyone's wedding…. 
• Walmart. Thank you very much.
• Multi-tool (knife, scissors, corkscrew, etc.) 
• Because wine bottles need to be opened or they are useless, and I've had to use a knife for many reasons at weddings - legit reasons, not violent ones thankyouverymuch 
• I have seen these sold at both Kohl's and Gordman's. They come in handy for more occasions than a wedding so now I just keep one in my purse.
• Small purse or clutch for the reception 
• because you really don't want to carry a backpack around all night for your phone, camera, cash, etc. 
• Make sure it matches. DUH.
• Zip ties 
• When you just need to attach something without it fighting you 
• You can find these at Home Depot or Lowe's or any hardware store really. You can likely find them at Walmart as well, I have just never looked so I cannot advise that when I do not know for sure. I would never lead you astray you know!
• Clear ponchos 
• When it is sleeting and the Bride wants to take a photo in the middle of a dirty slushy street, you can cut these in half with your scissors and lay them on the ground so her dress stays clean OR you can use them for their intended purpose of keeping you dry in the rain while looking REALLY hip and fashionable 
• Walmart purchase.
• Pantyhose or tights (nude and color bridesmaids or bride are wearing) 
• Sometime clear nail polish just can't handle the run in your hose because it is just THAT bad - I would stick with medium to large sizes on these because too big can work, but too small certainly does not. Pantyhose are uncomfortable enough without being too small. And if you are just buying extras and want them to fit a variety of people, I would steer clear of the control tops too.
• Empty Ziploc bags – various sizes 
• These are just necessary, small things always need to be contained 
• Empty Trash bags (2) 
• Trash should be collected, not scattered about the party bus unless you want to pay a hefty cleaning fee 
• Empty grocery bags 
• Sometimes you need to carry a few things and not your whole Bag Lady Wedding Emergency Kit 
• Mine were from Walmart of course.
• Duct tape  
• because WHY NOT 
• If all else fails, use the duct tape.
• Sandpaper 
• for roughing up the soles of slippery new shoes so no one wipes out on the dance floor or elsewhere 
• I suggest the actual paper and not the sandpaper block as it takes up less space that way. Also, the grittier the better for scuffing up slippery shoes.

SEWING

• Safety Pins 
• If you cannot sew, and hems fall out this is your best bet and they can also be used to pin your bra into your dress so it takes 17 people to get you in or out of it 
• Bring various sizes - you can buy a cheap box of various sizes at Walmart.
• Black and clear buttons in various sizes  
• for tux and bridesmaid dress mishaps 
• You know all those buttons that come with the clothes you buy that you save and never seem to use? Grab a few of them and take them with you.
• White chalk  
• To mask stains on a Bridal gown 
• Keep this in a baggie or things will get dusty
• Velcro circles (self-adhesive) 
• things do not always stay attached when they should 
• I found some at Walmart in the sewing section.
• Seam tape 
• Hems fall out and there isn't always someone who knows how to sew present (I'm not always there to save the day and sew a bridesmaid's lining hem in the lobby of the hotel - I can't go to everyone's wedding) 
• Your local fabric store will have this - some Walmarts (not all) carry it as well.
• Sewing Kit (with thread in the color of: bridal gown, tuxes, white, black, bridesmaid dresses, flower girl dresses, and any other clothing worn by a VIP) 
• Bustles fall out of bridal gowns, seamstresses don't hem bridesmaid's dresses right and the lining is 3 inches below the actual dress sometimes. Or sometimes a groomsman gets hammered and rips 7 buttons off his shirt pretending to be the Hulk 
• Get a good sewing kit that includes at least the following: sewing needles, pinning needles, multiple colors of thread, scissors, safety pins, pin cushion, seam ripper, etc. I found an awesome one at Walmart for like 5 bucks before my wedding - it had more than enough sewing items and came in a handy blue zipper pouch.

FOOD & DRINK

• Small water Bottles (4 at least) 
• A trip to the hospital for dehydration due to alcohol consumption or other reasons is definitely not in the plans 
• The mini water bottles work best unless you want to share germs with everyone and their brother. Literally.
• Soda with caffeine (at least 2) 
• People get tired or have caffiene-withdrawls, which would be me.... Because caffeine is a powerful drug 
• Mini soda bottles are preferable. I found this out the hard way when I brought cans that repeatedly spilled and constantly required being held upright. A bottle you can reseal and toss in your bag.
• Bottle opener 
• You will be drinking unless you are preggers or your religion forbids it and what good is alcohol if you can't get it out of the bottle huh? 
• They sell flat ones that are the size of a credit card, a friend bought one from Budweiser
• 5 hour energys  
• Because it's a LONG day 
• I bought some knock-offs from Walmart and they worked great – at 88 cents a pop I also brought 5 – we used 3.
• Granola bars and trail mix in individual bags  
• for the bridesmaid about to faint from hunger 
• These were from Walmart and were the Great Value brand - very tasty I might add.
• Tiny bottles of liquor  
• Because DUH 
•  sometimes we need liquid courage or calmed nerves. I did not bring these to this particular wedding because we had coolers full of alcohol on the party bus. If that is not the case, I would suggest getting some from your local liquor store.
• Gum 
• Groomsmen with stinky breath 
• I picked whichever minty gum was most compact. Think "space-saving"

MEDICINAL & WHATNOT

• Tums 
• Stomach issues HAPPEN and this is not the time or place 
• Generic works. I've tested.
• Pepto-Bismol chewable tablets 
• Stomach issues HAPPEN alot, and often and this is not the time or place 
• Bringing the liquid version would just be messy, and the chewable tablets work like a charm.
• Alavert D12 or Claritin (allergy medicine) 
• I'm allergic to the outdoors and you may be too 
• Alavert D12 requires a prescription in some locations because apparently that stops the idiotic meth heads from using the ingredients to make meth. I think it just costs me and my legit allergies more time and money, but I digress…. Off my soapbox now.
• Gas-X
• To prevent or repair a bad case of the farts. I don't believe any bride wants their wedding day to smell like the tooty groomsman's chili-fest the previous night.
• The generic version works just fine - this has been Miffed Chick tested on the Hubs, and chili approved.
• Cough drops 
• No one likes the Bridesmaid who couldn't stop hacking on everyone 
• I only brought a handful, you don't need a full bag unless someone has a hardcore cold that you know of.
• Tylenol 
• Weddings are stressful and give me a headache 
• Generic Acetaminophen works the exact same. Same thing.
• Advil 
• Because Tylenol didn't help my headache and has the same potency as M&M's to me (my personal thoughts).
• Generic Ibuprofen works the exact same. In fact, it is the exact same thing.
• Mucinex  
• Someone in the wedding party keeps hacking all over the place because they have phlegm hardcore stuck in their chestal section 
• The generic of this DOES NOT work the same. Buy the name brand if you want results. I'm cheap and I buy the name brand of this item.
• Mucinex D  
• Someone in the wedding party has a phlegmy chestal section AND a clogged nose. Very cute. 
• The generic of this DOES NOT work the same. Buy the name brand if you want results. I'm cheap and I buy the name brand of this item. This may also require a prescription because of meth-head misuse. Check your local pharmacy.
• Emergen-C 
• No one likes to get sick, and in these close quarters, if someone feels it coming on they better load up on the Emergen-C 
• These you will have to mix with water, so the mini water bottles come in handy here as well.
• Vicks Chloroseptic 
• Throats get sore and scratchy
• Do not buy the generic version of this, it does not work. I prefer the cherry version because it works better than mint in my opinion, even though it tastes like death.
• Topical benedryl  
• For allergic skin reactions to God knows what. Hives are bad. 
• Oral Bendryl pills 
• For allergic reactions that require more than the skin cream can handle.  
• The generic version at Walmart sells for 88 cents a box. It is the EXACT same thing as Benedryl. Just make sure you are buying a box with diphenhydramine as the active ingredient. That is benedryl, but cheaper.
• First Aid Kit 
• While drinking and rushing people get stupid and injure themselves and/or others 
• Make sure there are band-aids in various sizes, as well as: neosporin (triple antibiotic), burn salve, eye wash, gauze, tape, etc.

TOILETRIES

• Baby Wipes 
• Baby or adult butts may need some TLC kinda wiping that TP can't handle OR there may not be TP where you are 
• Get the travel pack - generic is just fine
• Tampons 
• Aunt Flo visits at inopportune times 
• Bring various absorbancies, you never know
• Pantyliners 
• Aunt Flo is an evil bitch 
• You may want to bring thong pantyliners as well, if you know you or others will be wearing thongs; otherwise there may be an unfortunate situation of the pantyliner sticking to the person and not the panties. UNCOOL.
• Pads 
• Aunt Flo visits and her host prefers pads 
• I only brought a couple, just in case others needed them.
• Static guard 
• Static is annoying, especially when wearing panty hose 
• Travel size at Walmart.
• Tweezers 
• Splinters, rogue eyebrow hairs, stray upper lip hairs 
• Check your manicure kit, mine included them.
• Blister pads 
• The bride wanted to get a photo at the top of a mountain at sunset and you had to hike in brand new shoes 
• Depending on how bad of blisters you tend to get, you could just add extra bandaids to your pack. If you or the bride tend to get really painful blisters, go with the actual blister pads.
• Alcohol pads 
• something needs sanitizing 
• You can buy a whole case of these at Sam's or Costco.
• Visine 
• bloodshot eyes are not cute in pictures 
• I got the version that is for multiple eye issues, including redness and pain. It was the most bang for my buck.
• Listerine breath strips and/or mints 
• Dragon breath and/or coffee breath 
• The green strips are best for minty fresh breath.
• Q tips 
• Sometimes a lady needs to fix her eye makeup because she shed a tear of joy and sometimes a lady needs to force a groomsman to clean out his disgusting ears before photos 
• Wisps 
• When mints and Listerine strips can't handle the level of stank-breath 
• These portable, water-less toothbrushes come in quite handy.
• Shout Wipes or Tide Stick 
• When alcohol is among us, so are stains. Some brides just can't stay away from red wine 
• I prefer the individually packed Shout Wipes for this type of occasion, because the Tide stick tends to retain certain types of stains and transfer them during the next use. You do not want that on a Bridal gown.
• Mini deodorant (male and female scents) 
• pit stains and BO are not attractive 
• Travel size at Walmart.
• Baby powder 
• At times of high heat this is the only thing that helps, it is great for shoes when feet get sweaty. Don't judge me - you know this happens to the best of us.
• Travel size at Walmart.
• Contact solution and contact case 
• contacts go askew and need to be reset 
• Travel size at Walmart.
• Razor  
• When in a crazy hurry or stressful time sometimes I forget to shave one leg, don't hate. I'm not the only one who has done this I'm sure…. 
• Just one cheap razor will do. I prefer a men's razor because they tend to work better.
• Lint roller 
• pet hair and lint is not pretty on a formal dress or tuxedo 
• Travel size at Walmart.
• Tissues 
• for tears and/or snot 
• Travel size at Walmart - I suggest bringing at least three of the tissues pocket packs. They go quickly.
• Face lotion 
• For those ultra dry days when the scaly skin shows through the makeup 
• I just used a travel size I got as a free gift from Clinique with another purchase. You can also use the handy ones you get from hotel rooms.
• Hand lotion 
• cracked and dry hands are painful and I'm SO not dealing with that on top of being at the bride's beck and call 
• I like the Bath and Body Works travel size lotions, which I of course get on sale. But you could also save hotel lotions and that is free!
• Hand sanitizer 
• There isn't always soap in the bathroom, nor is there always time to find soap and water before you eat. I don't like the idea of E.Coli hands so I bring sanitizer.
• I like the scented ones from Bath and Body Works. I buy them on sale and stock up when they are only a buck, plus I use coupons so they are cheaper.
• Mouthwash 
• gargle away your beer breath 
• Scope has a smaller bottle if you need the space, but if you need the quantity go with the Listerine travel size from Walmart.
• Floss 
• The bride may have a sesame seed stuck in her tooth from the bagel she scarfed down in a hurry for breakfast 
• Usually you can get small floss samples from your dentist and save them. Used one of those for this.
• Fashion Tape  
• to hold down bras or hold strapless dresses in place - NOTE: this only works if you do not have enormous ta-tas, be forewarned. In the case of enormous ta-tas one must use a stronger method of securing things 
• I found this at Walmart as well, are you noticing a pattern?

HAIR, MAKE-UP, JEWELRY & NAILS

• Manicure kit 
• Nails break and snag and get caught on delicate material 
• I bought a cute one in a handy little pink zippered case from the travel section at Walmart.
• Nail polish remover wipes 
• Sometimes broken nails need another chance to be pretty 
• Travel section at Walmart. 99 cents.
• Hair ties 
• These are sometimes necessary because a hair stylist did a bad job, or the wind is an overachiever that day bring various sizes and thinknesses - maybe even some of those tiny rubberbands. They will come in handy
• Bobby pins 
• Wind is rude, rain is rude, and not all hair stylists are as amazing as mine 
• These are the ones that should stay closed.
• Hair pins 
• Wind is rude, rain is rude, and not all hair stylists are as amazing as mine 
• The ones that look like a very skinny letter "U". I have always been confused on this so I figured I would specify.
• Flat iron 
• Bangs and small pieces of hair sometimes must be tamed due to rain, wind and the like 
• Those mini flat irons they sell now would be perfect for space reasons I don't have one of those, but now I'm going to buy one for just such an occasion.
• Curling iron 
• Curls fall out before their time and must be revived 
• I have never seen a mini curling iron, so bring whatever you have. If you find a mini curling iron, please let me know where you purchased it because I totally want one.
• Perfume or Body Spray 
• This is especially necessary for hot summer weddings when people sweat profusely, but sometimes people just stink or need a refresh spray to smell like heaven and unicorns. I wished I had bought a mini spray bottle to put my favorite body spray in so I wouldn't have had to bring the whole stinking bottle.
• Nail polish in the color the bridesmaid and bride are wearing 
• nail polish chips and looks awful when it does 
• I prefer OPI for chip-resistance but it depends on what the bride wants you to wear or if you get a professional manicure. Just make sure the color you bring matches what you wear.
• Small mirror 
• You have to be able to see what you're fixing 
• If there is one in your powder compact, no need to include another.
• Oil absorbing tissues 
• I don't know about you but when it's hot I don't want to be shiny and have light reflect off my oily cheeks in pictures 
• I prefer the clean and clear kind.
• Earring Backs various types 
• When all the bridesmaids earrings match it looks really awkward if bridesmaid number 3 is lopsided and missing one earring. 
• These were included in the Jewelry Repair kit I bought for 5 bucks at Walmart.
• Jewelry repair kit 
• necklaces break sometimes, throw in your grabby drunken friend and it may break quicker 
• Found at Walmart in the jewelry section. It comes in a tiny little case and even has a tiny pliers. In the kit there are: various earring backs, necklace closures, round metal pieces, etc.
• Makeup removal wipes 
• If it's that bad from crying you should just start over 
• I prefer the Neutrogena brand, it gets off all makeup (including waterproof mascara), dirt and oil. It also does not hurt your eyes so long as you don't straight-up rub your eyeball with the wipe itself.
• Aquaphor or some lip balm that can easily be applied with fingers 
• Chapped lips suck 
• Comb with a pointy handle 
• To tame wild locks of hair without jacking up the updos 
• Nail glue/Super glue 
• broken nails and broken high heels can be repaired 
• I like to use the nail glue with the easily resealable cap and bottle. Not the one in the tube because they tend to crack and I really don't want everything in my "Bag-Lady Wedding Emergency Kit" being superglued together.
• Lipstick 
• It fades and that would not make Marilyn Monroe proud 
• You can use q-tips to share if you aren't close to the person and dislike the idea of their germs.
• Eyeshadow (matching bridesmaid and bride’s makeup) 
• If eye makeup is destroyed in a rainstorm or tear-fest 
• I used a travel size compact (free gift from Clinique) that included blush and a couple neutral eyeshadows.
• Hairspray (one large bottle or at least 2 mini bottles) 
• in my experience updos need hairspray refreshers to remain intact and unmoving 
• I love the travel size version of Big Sexy Hair for keeping updos compliant, but if you don't want to spend that amount of cash, go for the Tresemme travel size hairspray from the Walmart travel size section. I prefer the aerosol cans because they do not give your hair a "wet" look.  I went through a whole mini one at my sister's wedding and still needed more. Thank God for another bridesmaid who came slightly less prepared than I - at least she had hairspray!
• Lip gloss 
• some people hate lipstick-  like me for instance.
• Q-tips work for application without sharing cooties.
• Concealer 
• those nasty zits and such - they always seem to pop up at the WORST times 
• If you are planning to share, I suggest bringing a neutral/light color with max coverage. The neutrogena version works well.
• Clear Nail polish 
• for runs in pantyhose or quick repairs to fingernails 
• I brought an OPI top coat so it served the purpose of sealing nails that I just fixed the polish on, and also works for pantyhose runs.
• Powder makeup 
• For crying mishaps and makeup refreshing 
• Try to get a neutral medium color if you plan on sharing.
• Blush 
• For crying mishaps and makeup refreshing 
• I used a travel size compact (free gift from Clinique) that included blush and a couple neutral eyeshadows

Can you think of anything I missed on my list? If so please share in the comments and I will update the post so this list remains comprehensive for true "Bag-Lady" style!