My uterus is offended by your question

Due to an overwhelming amount of recent inquiries from concerned, albeit nosy, friends and relatives (mostly my Mama) I am going to explain my presently unfruitful uterus. No, I do not owe anyone an explanation on the choices the Hubs and I make regarding what Highlander calls "crotch-spawn." And as far as I know my baby-maker is fully-functional. However, it seems that I have recently become ancient as quite a few of my friends are now having kids on purpose. Because I am not dutifully required to 'splain myself directly or at all - I shall vent my miffing to the Internets rather than to anyone's nosy-face. 

Before I 'splain any further let me set a few ground rules:

1. I absolutely love babies and children in general.
2. I also love returning them to their parents so I can spend a quiet evening with the Hubs, who does not wake up 17 times a night and uses the big-boy potty.
3. Babies are a blessing from God (yes I am Christian) and I fully believe it when I'm told they are "worth it."
4. The Hubs and I will decide when the right time for baby-making is based upon a list of factors and the resulting pros/cons.
5. Practice makes perfect. If I want a perfect baby we first have to practice sufficiently.
6. Number 1 on my Con-list is the fact that I would have to be preggers in order to get crotch-spawn - but that is a story for another day.

I am the first of my Mama's progeny, and also the first to marry. Since I have been married for some time now, it is apparently expected of me to begin reproducing. In the perfect little world of some, I should have become a baby-factory the second I said "I Do." I signed up to have mini-versions of the Hubs running around all OCD-like, but I never agreed to any such deadline. Although I would absolutely LOVE to have kiddos, I detest the incessant prying into such a personal decision. The timing for such a decision is complicated and ultimately between the Hubs and I, sans input from the peanut gallery. My eggs are nowhere near their expiration date so no need for rushing. Well, it just so happens that my Mama DESPERATELY wants to be a grandma and I am currently her best bet. She has literally put all her grandbaby-hoping eggs in my uterus-basket. 

I would also like to address the common misconception my other friends and relatives seem to have. There is no rule that if several of us pop out babies, then the rest shall follow suit. I do not recall joining in any pregnancy-pact. Why do people act as if it's polite to ask "So when are you two going to have a baby?" That question should be as taboo as "When are you due" is when the asker isn't damn certain the askee has a bun in the oven. I have just hit the point where I want to start making up equally rude and/or fictitious answers to cause squirming by whoever asks me that question. For instance, 

Nosy-Pants: "So when are you and the Hubs going to have a little one?"

Me: "NEVER. I have lost all faith in humanity and simply cannot bring a child into this world." 

or

Mama: "When are you going to make me a Grandma?"

Me: "When you sign a contract in blood stating you will provide free child-care until the little hellion gets into kindergarten." (I actually said something similar to my Mama and surprisingly she actually loved the idea - I really need to get her to sign something on that....)

or 

Mom of a Football Team: "Oh Dearie how soon are you going to have babies? What are you waiting for?!?!"
Me: "Are you capable of laughing without peeing a little bit anymore?"

or

Peanut-Gallery Lady: "When are you going to have kids?"

Me: "The voices told me I can only attempt to produce the prophesied offspring during the third lunar eclipse, after the second full moon, in the year after my Husband completes the atonement sacrifice. So I'm not sure yet really."

Random Co-worker: "So when are you two planning on a baby?"

Me: [Commence crying uncontrollably until I have rivers of mascara down my face and snot running out my nose - then just walk away without responding].

But in all seriousness, what if there was something wrong with my baby-maker and I could not have kiddos like I want to? That, my friends is why it is epic-ly rude to ask someone when they are going to have kids. You never know their situation, plus it's none of your damn business! Just congratulate me and sympathize (because I'll be preggers) with me when I do turn up knocked-up and until then just stay in suspense like a polite person.