I'll just go ahead and say it, "Being an adult sucks big old monkey balls." I started thinking about this concept because of a really disturbing conversation. Talking to my momma the other day I referred to her as an "adult" in a way that indicated I was not part of that special club. Then it hit me, sonofabitch I am an adult now too! When exactly did that happen? I voiced my disbelief in this new realization and my momma straight up laughed at my reaction when I realized with ultimate disappointment that I was in fact now an adult. Dammit momma, how dare you mock my pain! I'm missing forts, skinned knees and free rent right now and you're deriving some sort of sick twisted joy from that. Apparently my mother decided she wanted to be a bitches (yes, plural - I am very offended).
In the spirit of my horrific realization that I can never join the "Lost Boys" because I grew up, here are some things that you will never catch any respectable adult doing:
1. Being Roommates with your Mom - Not "Your Mom" like the jokes Highlander consistently tells at my Mom's expense... but living with one's own actual mom...On purpose, with some semblance of permanence intended and of one's own free will. For example, this rule does not apply to adults who shack up with their mom temporarily while their pimped out dream house is being built. It also does not apply to those unfortunate enough to find themselves homeless and in dire need due to some fucked up circumstances. This DOES apply to Cornelius Ulysses MamasBoy who creepily keeps to himself and holds teenage-type employment. Cornelius also likes to watch japanimation dungeon porn in mommy's basement and leech off her pension check until he can inherit the house legit or by maternal murder-ness. That guy.
2. Pop Icon obsession - when we were 12 it was cute and hip that my bedroom walls were plastered floor to ceiling in NSync posters and Justin Timberlake paraphernalia. I was a normal teenage girl and JT was hot even with his ramen-noodle haircut. For the dudes I'm assuming at 12 that their walls were covered with posters of scantily-clad swimsuit models that made their mothers cringe - and that was ok and accepted. If I had my bedroom covered in posters of pop icons now, I would likely be considered a bit stalkerish, and people may get concerned with such an obsession. Dudes this applies to you as well with the swimsuited chicas. At my age it would no longer be cute, but more like a shrine created by a serial killer. I am no serial killer - but that would be the vibe given off if I still had NSync posters as wallpaper.
3. Tantrums a la Public Scene - It may not have been "okay" as a child to throw an all out, kicking, arms flailing, screaming on the floor type tantrum at the local Wal-Mart. However, people expected that it was a possibility for bratty young children who didn't get their way and would write it off. Try and pull that shit at work when your proposal does not get the approval you wanted... You may get fired. Or try collapsing to the floor while kicking and screaming like you are on fire in front of your friends when they decided against going to your choice tourist attraction on a trip (although your plans were shotty and your logic non-existent). I would totally laugh at anyone who did this, and I have. I laughed in the face of the tantrumy 30 year old who threw actual tantrumS on our trip. We are no longer friends. Big. Ass. Baby.
4. Naps - This one I totally disagree with because it's just plain nonsensical. So society tells me that naps are cool for kindergarteners who have no responsibility and a stress-level equivalent to fort-malfunction.... BUT naps are somehow not okay for adults with relationships, mortgages, jobs and shit? What the bloody hell? Naps during the workday would increase productivity - tell your bosses and maybe word will spread. End of story.
In the spirit of my horrific realization that I can never join the "Lost Boys" because I grew up, here are some things that you will never catch any respectable adult doing:
1. Being Roommates with your Mom - Not "Your Mom" like the jokes Highlander consistently tells at my Mom's expense... but living with one's own actual mom...On purpose, with some semblance of permanence intended and of one's own free will. For example, this rule does not apply to adults who shack up with their mom temporarily while their pimped out dream house is being built. It also does not apply to those unfortunate enough to find themselves homeless and in dire need due to some fucked up circumstances. This DOES apply to Cornelius Ulysses MamasBoy who creepily keeps to himself and holds teenage-type employment. Cornelius also likes to watch japanimation dungeon porn in mommy's basement and leech off her pension check until he can inherit the house legit or by maternal murder-ness. That guy.
2. Pop Icon obsession - when we were 12 it was cute and hip that my bedroom walls were plastered floor to ceiling in NSync posters and Justin Timberlake paraphernalia. I was a normal teenage girl and JT was hot even with his ramen-noodle haircut. For the dudes I'm assuming at 12 that their walls were covered with posters of scantily-clad swimsuit models that made their mothers cringe - and that was ok and accepted. If I had my bedroom covered in posters of pop icons now, I would likely be considered a bit stalkerish, and people may get concerned with such an obsession. Dudes this applies to you as well with the swimsuited chicas. At my age it would no longer be cute, but more like a shrine created by a serial killer. I am no serial killer - but that would be the vibe given off if I still had NSync posters as wallpaper.
3. Tantrums a la Public Scene - It may not have been "okay" as a child to throw an all out, kicking, arms flailing, screaming on the floor type tantrum at the local Wal-Mart. However, people expected that it was a possibility for bratty young children who didn't get their way and would write it off. Try and pull that shit at work when your proposal does not get the approval you wanted... You may get fired. Or try collapsing to the floor while kicking and screaming like you are on fire in front of your friends when they decided against going to your choice tourist attraction on a trip (although your plans were shotty and your logic non-existent). I would totally laugh at anyone who did this, and I have. I laughed in the face of the tantrumy 30 year old who threw actual tantrumS on our trip. We are no longer friends. Big. Ass. Baby.
4. Naps - This one I totally disagree with because it's just plain nonsensical. So society tells me that naps are cool for kindergarteners who have no responsibility and a stress-level equivalent to fort-malfunction.... BUT naps are somehow not okay for adults with relationships, mortgages, jobs and shit? What the bloody hell? Naps during the workday would increase productivity - tell your bosses and maybe word will spread. End of story.
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