GUEST POST: Follow-up to "Like Peeing in a Janky Gas Station"

My dear friend (forevermore referred to as "Highlander") whom I often solicit to proof or rude-police my writings, sent me a few extra rules to add to my current list of bathroom rules from "Like Peeing in a Janky Gas Station". Highlander shares my displeasure with the lack of public bathroom etiquette and as a bonus she amuses me - so I would like to share. Here are 

Highlander's additional Bathroom Rules:

A) Wash your disgusting germ mitts. Before you pick up your phone or touch the door, your hair, the coffee bar content, or anything else flat and shiny, wash the E. coli off your hands. WITH SOAP. Do not flat palm the door and stop for a refresher at the hand sanitizer that is automatic but you insist upon touching even though it does ABSOLUTELY nothing. Don't do your makeup, don't grab the water controls like handlebars of an out of control Harley. Just as you should know well enough to not spread poop on the floor, don't spread little bits of a science experiment gone wrong over every surface I have no option but to touch. If you want intestinal trouble, lick a toilet seat or under-cook some pork, but wash your fucking hands.

B) Clean your coot. Basic hygiene ladies. I should not be able to tell you are chatting with Aunt Flo, or that you have a yeast infection by entering a stall 15 minutes after you. This ties into some of the other rules, but seriously, when a stall smells like you have a full circus act in your snatch, that's just wrong. Yes, I know there are creases, crevices, sweat, and all that jazz, doesn't matter, if I was suffering from zoo-coot, you better believe I would fix that. The fact that your's had gotten so strong I feel dirty just entering the bathroom after you should be obvious to you. Stick a dryer sheet, garden hose, air freshening cone, whatever in there, because the stink coming off your crotch is starting to kill the wildlife in your wake.

C) Buy an new coffee cup. Something that says, "Good to the last plop" or I ♥ drinking feces,  because you might as well be honest with yourself and everyone around you. That's what you are doing when you bring your cup, bowl, plate, microwave meal (not hyperbole, sadly) into the restroom. I don't care if you're setting it on the little shelf between the sinks. It's now covered in aerosolized butt biscuits. Come on people, they don't clean in there and we've all been around long enough to know it! Just because the caferia feeds you crap doesn't mean you should voluntarily take implements of consumption to a place solely for excretion. You wouldn't crap on a cookie sheet, so don't moisten your mugs.