Why in holy-hellfire is it that every single damn time I go into the women's restroom at my place of employment it seems to be kin to a janky gas station bathroom where the key is tied to a wheel rim? I can't speak for the men's restroom conditions as I have not been in one since I was a tiny-human with no concern for the functional differences between ladies and gents. Seriously Ladies, we're all grown-ass women here...technically speaking. I mean you have to be 18 to be employed at this hallowed establishment so where is the disconnect? Were all my female coworkers raised in a freaking barn? Were their mothers too drunk or drugged out to teach them to be ladies for god's sake? I'm not sure of the root issue here but I know one thing... I desperately want to compose a list of bathroom rules and post them on every stall door, above the tinkle-thrones and on the mirrors too damnit. You will find my rules for common courtesy in the ladies bathroom listed below for your convenience or if you have the same issue at your job and the cajones to do so you can post it in your work bathrooms!
1. Just because the toilets are "automatic" DOES NOT give you a license to leave the stall without checking for a successful flush. They break sometimes - or just straight-up malfunction. I'm not your mom, and you're not a two-year-old showing off your pee-pee and poo-poo for me to praise. MAKE DAMN SURE your toilet flushes before leaving the stall. There's a button for that if the toilet is lazy and doesn't flush for you - because no one else wants to see your business, especially if a hardcore workout was required to produce it.
2. I feel this rule is appropriate for #2 - Don't SHIT ON THE FLOOR in front of the toilet (or anywhere else for that matter). This shouldn't even have to be a rule, and should go unsaid, but alas "ladies" have necessitated this rule. Your poo is what the toilet is for ladies. Use it, the toilet wants to fulfill its life-purpose. And if you are so unfortunate as to find yourself in a situation where your bowels simply won't allow you to make it to the toilet before unloading - then for the love of god don't just LEAVE IT THERE. At least attempt to clean that Shit up. True story - I actually walked in a stall in our work bathroom to find a chunk of a turd in front of the toilet - hence the necessity of this rule. Really lady? It's not like it was an accident of epic proportion because of diarrhea that she couldn't hold in. No, it was a solid healthy turd in the middle of the floor. Very lady-like....Wtf mate?
3. If Aunt Flo is visiting and you choose to use pads vs. tampons (which can be flushed after absorbing your flow) then please wrap that stanky thing in TP as tight as a straight jacket. Let's be honest, used pads and tampons don't smell like rainbows and sunshine. When I have to use the toilet with the little trash can in close proximity to my nose I don't want my smeller alerting me that some inconsiderate chick is on her rag since she just dropped that pad in the trash can sans TP-jacket - sometimes not all the way in it either. That's just gross - and someone had to say it.
4. Conversely, if you use tampons vs. pads don't yank your cotton out like your starting a lawn mower or chainsaw. It's not the same - and full tampons sling their contents...on the toilet and even sometimes on the stall door. TRUE STORY - I walked in a stall one time and it looked like a crime scene. For real ladies? Again, if you have a mishap, I understand. What I DO NOT understand is having such a mishap and leaving the crime scene to be stumbled upon by some poor unsuspecting woman who just had to tinkle. Rude. And. Just. Plain. Sick.
5. Speaking of pee, we're not dudes. There is very little aiming involved in peeing sitting down. This is POINT-BLANK range ladies, and the hole in the toilet seat is more than accommodating for any urine stream. That being said, why exactly is it that I constantly walk into stalls where the toilet seat is covered in urine? If you don't want skin-to-public-toilet contact then use a seat cover or TP as a barrier. If you simply must pop a squat over the toilet like you're on Survivor then do us all a favor and practice your aim at home and/or clean up your puddles when you miss. No one wants to wipe up your pee off the seat or god-forbid their thighs!
6. Don't talk on your cell while in a public restroom. I doubt the person on the other end wants to hear your business being taken care of, much less the business of others. Not to mention that I personally don't want some random person hearing my bathroom noises - what is heard in the ladies room should stay there.... like Vegas but with a more centrally located bodily fluid disposal. If you are so rude as to have a convo on your cell while in a public restroom meant for taking care of one's business then I reserve the right to not only make my naturally occurring potty-noises, but fabricated louder ones as well. Maybe that will get your rudeness through to you. (insert loud fart noise here).
What ladies room rules would you add to my list?
