21 Inappropriate Calls to Make at Work

First, I must apologize for being absent from le'blog for far too long. Life happens. Things got very very busy, and now I'm back.

There are certain lines one should never cross while in public, especially when at your place of business. I have found it particularly unnerving that I have witnessed the violation of several of the below prohibited phone calls. I shall not specify which...

My partner in crime assisted me in creating this list of parties to which you should never make a call and/or topics you should never discuss from your work phone:

1. Creditors of your past due bills
2. Phone Sex Operators
3. Your Insurance or cell phone company to yell about their policies
4. A Proctologist on a call which necessitates providing your medical history or a description of the issue that prompted you to call
5. A Gynecologist on a call which necessitates providing your medical history or a description of the issue that prompted you to call
6. Your kid(s) to yell at them. LOUDLY.
7. Your Mother's shrink to have her committed
8. Drug Dealer
9. Hitman
10. Parole Officer for yourself or a relative
11. Prostitute
12. Esthetician to schedule an appointment for butthole bleaching, twat waxing and/or back waxing
13. Nurse hotline for colonoscopy complications
14. KKK related call of any kind
15. Sex offender registration
16. Nurse hotline for vasectomy complication
17. Abortion scheduling
18. Rape Crisis Hotline
19. Suicide Prevention Hotline
20. Maury or Jerry Springer
21. Sex Change Counseling

UPDATED:

22. Any call to the Nurse Hotline which requires use of the word "discharge."

List compiled by the twisted minds of myself and Highlander at Dear Twatwaffle. Copy and paste the url below (the link will not cooperate for sone reason) to visit Highlander! 

http://deartwatwaffle.blogspot.com/?m=1

Pedophilia-helpers

There are some things in life that I simply do not understand. I am neither a moron, nor a genius. ...but I like to think I'm leaning a little more towards the genius side (not in math). I don't understand math, or how exactly y=mx+b is somehow applicable to my everyday adult life (sidenote: it's NOT). I do not understand why Batdog only drops fart-bombs with nuclear potency when her ass is within range of my smeller. I also do not understand why Highlander is so damn obsessed with my mom and the main question in my noggin right now is, "Why in bloody hell would a responsible parent display a stickery dictionary of their family on their vehicle."

Now, I'm all for freedom of expression and clearly I'm in favor of freedom of speech and the press... However, I am also not a very big fan of hypocrites. 

Stupid sticker families on cars or more likely minivans are plain idiotic. What parent could possibly think it is an intelligent idea to broadcast to the general population the age, gender, and sometimes the name and activities of all your crotch spawn and the household pets. Really? I mean, I simply do not care a bit that your little princess Mindy is a cheerleader at Local-Prep Middle and your dog's name is Rufus. Your over-share on your kid's activities and personal info outright annoys me, but I am not going to use the knowledge for nefarious purposes. I am against pedophilia because I'm not a sick freak of nature.

Have parents not heard of pedophiles? Why in the hell would you give pedophiles that kind of leverage on your kid? Like Mindy couldn't be conned by the smooth talking kiddie-diddler who trys to pick her up at school and knows her dog's name, and her parent's hobbies (other bumper stickers). Little Mindy may be on honor roll, but she's still a naive little girl. People are so stupid. Let's not give the baby rapers any ammo for picking up more kids in their pedophile-vans (the white ominous vans without windows, the inside of which you instinctively know is smeared in bodily fluids and shame). 

Maybe parents should think twice before they advertise their stick figure family to the shopping pedophile sitting behind them in traffic in their creepy van. 

Fuck It, I'm Late Anyways!

Nope. Not preggers late. Arriving at a place, event, friend's house or every goddam thing ever - after the specified time kinda late. Clarification complete, let's get to my story.

So I found this incredibly interesting article the other day about the psychological reasons behind why chronically late people (AKA - Me) are late all the time, and how they can fix it. By "found" I mean the Hubs ever so considerately decided to email the article to me for my reading pleasure. HINT HINT, big FAT hint. The Hubs doesn't do subtle. 

I will admit that I'm late a lot. Okay, more than a lot, a whole lot. Okay, most of the time. Okay, ALL THE FUCKING TIME. I admit that because when I typed "a lot" instead of "all the time" I could just hear my friend Highlander reprimanding me like a nagging harpie in my head - because she knows perfectly well how often I'm late. Yes, that's right, I admit it. Happy now?  So to appease the Hubs, Highlander, and the world - I read the stinking article. 

The article actually wasn't half bad though. The way I read it, the lateness actually isn't my fault; I'm just an over-achiever who is motivated and works well in a crisis. I am an over-achiever because I try and cram events, tasks, and a ridiculous amount of other crap into every second of my day - primarily when I have somewhere to be. I also tend to work well under pressure, and like to leave things to the last minute, or ninja-procrastinate just to keep my boredom in check. I am just that awesome. Yes I am, do not mock my self-deception. 

Since this article actually exists, and apparently a book was written about the subject as well, obviously chronic-lateness and the traumatization of clocks is not unique to me. There are others out there like me who struggle every day with their inability to beat the clock, and their constant disappointment of their early-friends and early-family. Maybe I should start a support group, but a support group with liquor, and no clocks. Or just clocks like this one: 

I NEED this clock to recover from my lateness. Except on MY clock the word "whatever" would be replaced with "Fuck it." I probably also need the book, and the soul-enlightening Yahoo! article. My whole world has changed now because I read it. Actually not, but I do really abhor being late. Being late sucks, especially when you are trying really really freaking hard to be on time. Being late so often that people are actually surprised when you show up on time, now THAT is not only an art form, but truly the suckiest of suckage for the late person. I swear I'm not late because I'm rude or trying to offend you, or because I can't tell time and like to shame my first grade teacher. Everything isn't about you. 

The moral of the story is - I'm always late. Everyone knows it, even me. I don't do it on purpose, and would like to fix it. Enter, Yahoo! article of redemption, or maybe a butler. Yes, I need a butler to get me to shit on time. I'll put that on my bucket list. 

Proposal for Highschool Ed-Ja-Ma-Ca-Shun

I disagree with all these nostalgic idgits who think that high school was the 'prime of their life' and constantly whine that they are miss high school. Bullshit. High school sucked. 

I personally hated high school with a fiery passion. No, I was not the nerdy kid who got bullied or any of that nonsense. I just went to a piss-poor excuse of a high school, and the attempted brain-washing didn't really sit well with me. That's a story for another day. For the record though, I told my mother the narcissists running that place were nutbags, and she refused to believe her teenage "drama-queen." It was not until ten years later that she admitted the err of her ways and finally believed me. A little late to fix shit and send me to a decent school, but yet still so satisfying to say, "I TOLD YOU SO!" 

The reason I was reminded of my traumatic high school experience is during a terrifying conversation I came to the realization that my younger cousin was being taught little if any of the tools she would need in her adult life. In the spirit of being failed by one's high school, I have compiled a list of things that should be taught in high school that currently are not being taught...to my knowledge:

1. How to Balance a Checkbook - What do you do when you are 7 cents off? Since I was not taught what to do, as an 18 year old newly on my own I said "fuck it" and just started over with what the bank said I had in there. The bank is better at math than I am (although they likely do not have my best interests in mind). Case and point. 
2. Credit Card Etiquette - I still do not understand the intricacies of the land of credit cards and am thankful for my financially-savvy Hubs. When should one use a credit card vs. a debit card for the reason of building credit and being financially prudent? Who knows! This shit makes no sense. I once was rejected for a credit card because I paid my balance in full every month on my previous card. Seriously? WTF Mate?!?!
3. Medical Bills Dance to Their Own Beat - AKA if you fall down a flight of stairs and rack up a butt-ton of medical charges for all the broken bones, contusions and the cranial bleed - you just have to pay something every month and you won't get in trouble. If you can only afford to pay 5 bucks a month, it may take you 59 years to pay back your bill but they cannot send you to collections or charge you interest if you are paying them a "reasonable" amount on a regular basis. You may have to explain why 5 bucks is a reasonable amount for you - but it's worth it to not go to collections. What you should NOT do is pay for your absurdly overpriced medical bills with your credit card. Credit card companies DO charge interest and they require you to pay much more than 5 bucks a month if you charge up to and past your credit limit. They may even steal your soul and or left kidney as payment. They will also not hesitate to send your ass straight to collections. See number 2 to explain why I note this one.... 
4. How to Save - Let's face it, people keep saying that the Social Security system is doomed, and the youngins will not get a dime. Maybe these same yahoos who preach about the failure of Social Security should give a few pointers on the easy and proper way to save money throughout life so that you can actually support yourself during retirement. What a goddam novel concept. I feel like I have seen 17 Yahoo! articles in the last 6 months that gave better pointers on this subject than were ever broached in high school. Yahoo! taught me more than high school. How pathetic. 
5. Don't Fuck with Nerds - Nerds are the friends you want to have. As a group, and in my individual experience, they are mostly way better friends in the long run than the cheerleader or jock type (not applicable to everyone, so shut your pie hole if you don't fit that mold). They are also likely the very smart ones who will wind up being the successful adults. You don't want the uber-successful people from your high school to remember you as the asshole who ruined their fun in back in the day. 
6. College is WAY Better - The teachers try to scare you into spending all your free time studying by telling you how much harder college will be and that you should prepare. That is only partly true and the benefits and opportunities to do really fun/stupid things WAY outweigh the hard work. 
7. Mortgages, Renters Insurance and Leases - When and how to not get screwed by big ass companies and opportunistic jackasses. This is important stuff. When I rented my first apartment I very well could have agreed in writing to donating my ovaries, unicorn babies and blood for testing purposes. For all I knew and understood on that lease agreement I may have legally agreed to damn near anything. I had not a clue what it all meant. They need to teach THAT in school if any parents want a prayer of their kids moving out within a decent period of time. Most kids don't have a down payment for a house right out of high school. 
8. How to Cook a Decent Meal - Yes I know that HomeEc exists, but I don't think it is properly taught. Ramen noodles run entirely too rampant as a college student staple for high school HomeEc to have actually been successful. HomeEc FAIL. I ate so many ramen noodles throughout college and in my later bout with near poverty, that I could have participated in an experiment to see how long it took ramen noodle consumption to kill a person. I conquered it. Thanks for asking.
9. The Person in Charge May be Wrong - Or worse, the person in charge may actually be leading you down a path of doom and felonies. Pretend to follow, because they can ruin your grades or get your ass kicked out which would ruin your chance to get into your choice college - but for real do not follow their lead if they are wrong. Think for yourself. I had an amazing teacher who went against everyone else and actually pointed out when the 'powers that be' were wrong. That teacher ROCKED and was the only good example among them. In life the leaders (read: Politicians) usually are way more screwed up than you could ever imagine. 
10. Don't Buy Shit if You Don't Have the Money - This should be fairly self-explanatory, but obviously it's not. I used to be acquainted with a household of 4 adults and 3 kids, of which not ONE adult had a legit job. This household was supported by: welfare, unemployment, disability and drug-dealing. Out of the 4 adults I only respected the drug-dealer. He was the most legit of that group because at least he earned his money, albeit illegally, but I'm not splitting hairs on that one. The problem is that these same people kept buying giant flat screen TV's and smart phones. Really? You're on food stamps but you are bragging about your new iPhone? I myself fell into a different trap. I have my pride and therefore I recklessly and imprudently spent MY OWN money. High school politics are very deceptive and really encourage the whole "keeping up with the rich cheerleader" mentality. You don't need a new iPod. You want one. On that note, high school should really have a whole stinking class on the difference between needs and wants. I know way too many adults (read: 'leeches on the government's boob') who still can't tell the difference. 

(DISCLAIMER: I am not responsible for your finances and if your dumbass makes medical, financial or any decision based upon my satirical and blatantly sarcastic blog, then I am not liable. You agree to this condition by reading my blog. Ha.)

Being an Adult Sucks Big Monkey Balls

I'll just go ahead and say it, "Being an adult sucks big old monkey balls." I started thinking about this concept because of a really disturbing conversation. Talking to my momma the other day I referred to her as an "adult" in a way that indicated I was not part of that special club. Then it hit me, sonofabitch I am an adult now too! When exactly did that happen? I voiced my disbelief in this new realization and my momma straight up laughed at my reaction when I realized with ultimate disappointment that I was in fact now an adult. Dammit momma, how dare you  mock my pain! I'm missing forts, skinned knees and free rent right now and you're deriving some sort of sick twisted joy from that.  Apparently my mother decided she wanted to be a bitches (yes, plural - I am very offended).


In the spirit of my horrific realization that I can never join the "Lost Boys" because I grew up, here are some things that you will never catch any respectable adult doing:


 1. Being Roommates with your Mom - Not "Your Mom" like the jokes Highlander consistently tells at my Mom's expense... but living with one's own actual mom...On purpose, with some semblance of permanence intended and of one's own free will. For example, this rule does not apply to adults who shack up with their mom temporarily while their pimped out dream house is being built. It also does not apply to those unfortunate enough to find themselves homeless and in dire need due to some fucked up circumstances. This DOES apply to Cornelius Ulysses MamasBoy who creepily keeps to himself and holds teenage-type employment. Cornelius also likes to watch japanimation dungeon porn in mommy's basement and leech off her pension check until he can inherit the house legit or by maternal murder-ness. That guy.


 2. Pop Icon obsession - when we were 12 it was cute and hip that my bedroom walls were plastered floor to ceiling in NSync posters and Justin Timberlake paraphernalia. I was a normal teenage girl and JT was hot even with his ramen-noodle haircut. For the dudes I'm assuming at 12 that their walls were covered with posters of scantily-clad swimsuit models that made their mothers cringe - and that was ok and accepted. If I had my bedroom covered in posters of pop icons now, I would likely be considered a bit stalkerish, and people may get concerned with such an obsession. Dudes this applies to you as well with the swimsuited chicas. At my age it would no longer be cute, but more like a shrine created by a serial killer. I am no serial killer - but that would be the vibe given off if I still had NSync posters as wallpaper.


 3. Tantrums a la Public Scene - It may not have been "okay" as a child to throw an all out, kicking, arms flailing, screaming on the floor type tantrum at the local Wal-Mart. However, people expected that it was a possibility for bratty young children who didn't get their way and would write it off. Try and pull that shit at work when your proposal does not get the approval you wanted... You may get fired. Or try collapsing to the floor while kicking and screaming like you are on fire in front of your friends when they decided against going to your choice tourist attraction on a trip (although your plans were shotty and your logic non-existent). I would totally laugh at anyone who did this, and I have. I laughed in the face of the tantrumy 30 year old who threw actual tantrumS on our trip. We are no longer friends. Big. Ass. Baby.


 4. Naps - This one I totally disagree with because it's just plain nonsensical. So society tells me that naps are cool for kindergarteners who have no responsibility and a stress-level equivalent to fort-malfunction.... BUT naps are somehow not okay for adults with relationships, mortgages, jobs and shit? What the bloody hell? Naps during the workday would increase productivity - tell your bosses and maybe word will spread. End of story.